WHAT OUT OF CONTROL ACTING OUT AND COMPULSIVE FANTASY ACTUALLY MEAN FOR WOMEN

PHOTO CREDITS @NADINESHAABANA and Unslpash , copyright Nadine Shaabana

How often are we afraid of our sexual/creative power, but mistake that fear is or means about us?

The manifestations of this fear are not what you might expect.

Feeling anxious or anorexic around sexual energy, AKA "Never in the mood" AND "Always in the mood" are just opposite sides of the same painful coin of "I'm not worthy of love without sex"

Different partners on a weekly basis (or daily?), multiple affairs back to back, always needing to have another partner on the line for when things "go south"?

This is the beast of sexual insecurity. The thoughts inside feel so real:

"I just like sex all the time, and love being with new men all the time!"
"I love the hunt!"
"It is intoxicating to land an attractive, married man."
"I'm just a highly sexual being."
"Trading sex for money (or "love") is not a big deal."
"I’m not hurting anyone.” (possibly the biggest self-deception because it makes us, "no one"

When that lonely, scared little girl inside starts to peak out, we go to get her love by having sex or an emotional affair with the next available human, not realizing all we did is infect her deep, painful heart-wound with invalidation, self-abuse, and numbing.

In working with women dealing with this pain, they start to see the real need: to feel loved, wanted, cared for, and nurtured. But sex and the fantasy world only bring relief until the regret sets in.

That regret is her way of saying, "No, I need YOU to love me. I need US to heal and take care of each other, without fear of what not being sexually wanted by strangers might mean."

Those feelings are raw, painful, and so, so scary. They don't have to be though. That sweet, innocent little girl can show us how to love ourselves in beautiful and profound ways, IF we are willing to feel her pain and move through it.

It is an incredible journey to REAL Love for ourselves and God, which then becomes true, deep, connecting, honest love with others.

But without learning to let go of the fear and walk boldly into the hurt that keeps the acting out cycle going, we can never know what it truly feels like to love or be loved. All we ever get is surface level band aides that tear away more flesh.

"Emotional intimacy is critical to any and all long term relationships. The emotional health of a relationship will indicate its overall health more than any other form of intimacy." Addicted to Love, pg 56

You CAN learn to truly love, to love for REAL, if you're willing to do the work.

Yours in Recovery.
Lacy Alajna Bentley

02/11/2019